Me and OCD
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Ever get the feeling that you just have to do a certain thing (no matter how irrational) otherwise things just don't feel right? Ever check and recheck if you've set your car alarm? Or checked the stove to make sure that the gas is off even if you're sure you just checked it? These may be milder manifestations of an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Lately, this condition has had increased visibility with the media has portraying sufferers as endearing - Monk and As Good as it Gets are two that spring to mind.
These shows, however do not show the mental anguish that sufferers have to go through. I should know, I continue to suffer from this although it has abated significantly over the past few years. Contrary to what some may believe, people suffering from this do not have a choice but perform the rituals that they obsess over. I suppose the closest thing to describe it is having a terrible itch which you just have to scratch. It gnaws at you until you actually do it. And you do feel better when you do it.
So what rituals have I had? When I was a kid, I would feel the need to stare at certain things in the room. It got so bad that my parents had to take me to a doctor - they were told that it was a 'kid thing' and that I'll grow out of it. Well, I did, after a fashion.
As I grew older I developed more sophisticated rituals. When driving around, I get the nagging feeling that I've hit something or have run down someone. I often make a U-turn to check if I have. I haven't (thank God) and I always know I haven't, but can't shake the need to check anyway. It gets weirder. I always prefer the left side of things - anything. I put on the left shoe first. Put my left arm first in shirts. When selecting a book, I would grab the leftmost. Little things like that. I used to be wary of buying books, especially when there are lots of copies available - it would be good if there was only 1 left so I didn't have a choice. But if there are, say, 10, I'd spend a lot of time picking out the 'right' one. At its worst, it could leave me mentally paralyzed for what seems like ages.
Paradoxically, many of these behaviors attach only to certain things (i.e. the book selection) but not others. I would function quite normally in most situations.
What has always bothered me is that I see myself as a highly rational and (if you don't mind me saying) intelligent person. Not being able to understand and control these behaviors have been difficult to accept. Thankfully, I have been fortunate to be among understanding friends (who see me as 'quirky') and family (who accept my condition). Someone even gave me a copy of this book.
Thankfully, I seem to have 'outgrown' almost all of these behaviors, although I still get the occasional bad episode maybe once a year. I don't know what caused the change - I certainly haven't taken any of the medications usually prescribed for this condition nor have I seen a therapist for ages. I would like to think that I mentally forced myself to be better but I'm sure others would disagree. Today, I would say I'm 95% back to 'normal', whatever that means.
These shows, however do not show the mental anguish that sufferers have to go through. I should know, I continue to suffer from this although it has abated significantly over the past few years. Contrary to what some may believe, people suffering from this do not have a choice but perform the rituals that they obsess over. I suppose the closest thing to describe it is having a terrible itch which you just have to scratch. It gnaws at you until you actually do it. And you do feel better when you do it.
So what rituals have I had? When I was a kid, I would feel the need to stare at certain things in the room. It got so bad that my parents had to take me to a doctor - they were told that it was a 'kid thing' and that I'll grow out of it. Well, I did, after a fashion.
As I grew older I developed more sophisticated rituals. When driving around, I get the nagging feeling that I've hit something or have run down someone. I often make a U-turn to check if I have. I haven't (thank God) and I always know I haven't, but can't shake the need to check anyway. It gets weirder. I always prefer the left side of things - anything. I put on the left shoe first. Put my left arm first in shirts. When selecting a book, I would grab the leftmost. Little things like that. I used to be wary of buying books, especially when there are lots of copies available - it would be good if there was only 1 left so I didn't have a choice. But if there are, say, 10, I'd spend a lot of time picking out the 'right' one. At its worst, it could leave me mentally paralyzed for what seems like ages.
Paradoxically, many of these behaviors attach only to certain things (i.e. the book selection) but not others. I would function quite normally in most situations.
What has always bothered me is that I see myself as a highly rational and (if you don't mind me saying) intelligent person. Not being able to understand and control these behaviors have been difficult to accept. Thankfully, I have been fortunate to be among understanding friends (who see me as 'quirky') and family (who accept my condition). Someone even gave me a copy of this book.
Thankfully, I seem to have 'outgrown' almost all of these behaviors, although I still get the occasional bad episode maybe once a year. I don't know what caused the change - I certainly haven't taken any of the medications usually prescribed for this condition nor have I seen a therapist for ages. I would like to think that I mentally forced myself to be better but I'm sure others would disagree. Today, I would say I'm 95% back to 'normal', whatever that means.
